Making yuletides gay since 1985

Listening to As Long as There's Christmas, courtesy of my cable company's music channels. My mom turns on Sounds of the Season as we menfolk put up X-mas lights, those sparkling reminders of the glowing holy babe. In the grand tradition of The Prayer and Up Where We Belong, this is a really vomitous duet. But thanks to Comcast© and Sound of the Season, I can enjoy these and other horrible covers of navidad music all day/night/December long. What a joyous cacophony of classic songs! Now on White Christmas with Perry Como and his Choir. Boy, this takes me back.

Another beautiful Thanksgiving come and gone. I'll tell ya, I ate quite a bit. Enough that I sighed with relief when, after the meal, I made it to the bathroom. Not for the crapping, but for the loosening of my 28" pants. Next Thanksgiving, I'm going elastic.

Now on to Karen Carpenter's Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. My dad hears the music from his perch atop the house.

"Is this that dead girl?" Ol' softie, he.

This year's meal was spent down in Murrieta (north of San Diego) with my cousin Yvonne and her family. She has two adorable little kids, Daniel, 7, and Julia, 6. They had recently received an early gift from St. Nick: a tiny bichon frisé puppy named Henri.

Me: Daniel, what kind of dog is Henri?
Daniel: A French dog.

*Later*

Me: Julia, what kind of dog is Henri?
Julia: A Jonbenet.

Now listening to Olivia Newton John and her rendition of Hark the Herald Angels Sing.
Christ is the word!

So I definitely enjoyed the free alcohol this holiday. Finally having access to wine and champagne, I had about four times as much drink as food. No matter. Those family members over 6 days old generally followed my lead, so I blended right in. I had some strange concoction called Apples to Oranges, which included:

2 parts applesauce
1 part Grand Marnier
1 part Cognac
1 part Champagne

This was disgusting, foul, stomach-turning. So I was told. By the time I began to drink it, my tastebuds were out of commission and I was laughing at King of Queens. By the time I finished it, I was unfit to drive a tricycle.

The turkey, other than having some strange tumor/bump/abcess/alien baby between the breasts, was beautiful and tasted delicious. My favorite hors d'oeuvres, black olives, were laid out and I happily took to putting them on my fingers and sucking them off with a vigor reminiscent of my childhood days. Even though I later rubbed my eye, and even though it stung visciously from the olive brine, and even though I had to excuse myself to wash out my eyeball and then come back out looking like I'd smoked out on half of my face, I had a great night. I hope you all had the same.

So Day 1 of Christmas Light Application is complete. The neighbors won't need sunscreen until we're completely finished tomorrow. We did find some snags in putting up the first 80 lbs. of stands, however.

"Wow, Dad, you did a great job on the roof!"
"Thanks. It's so great when the family can get together and do satisfying work like this. I'm very pleased."
"Oh, look, those two on the highest and least-accesible part of the house went out."
"FUCK!"

"CJ, the first story looks great."
"Thanks. It's tough going through the rain gutters, behind the bushes, and tip-toeing precariously on the windowsill, but the looks on your faces are worth it, family."
"Wait, CJ, you put that one strand over the bay window on backwards. The plugs wont fit."
"MOTHERFUCKINGBITCHASSWHORE"

Here's hoping everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I sure did. I'll probably post before the December holidays, but if I don't, then have a fantastic time with your:

A. Overbearing mother (Chanukkah)
B. Overzealous uncle (Kwanzaa)
C. Oversexed family (Catholic Christmas)

Now hearing Run-D.M.C's Christmas in Hollis. Where is that olive brine?