Tonight on MTV, True Life: I'm Lar.

Current music: Beethoven, Sonata in c minor, No.8 Op.13, "Pathétique." From the French for "impossible for non-asians."

Saw IU Opera Theater's La bohème this weekend. The next day, I visited a seretary at the admissions office.

"Yeah, so hi, my name's Carl. I think you guys made a mistake. You, um, admitted me to this amazing school. I think you might have mixed up my application with that of someone who could someday hope to sing like these people. Hey, no problem. Just a little clerical error. After all, we're only human, right? By the way... [looks at her nametag] Alice, that's a lovely brooch. Ha ha, well tell your husband he has good taste. You have a good day now, y'hear?"

My blogging hiatus is ended, but please, do not think that my absence was a result of laziness or being oversexed. It was neither of these things. Actually, Harry Potter came over, we played Pretty Pretty Princess, and I won. Naturally. So Potty got all pissy and placed a curse on my computer so that my internet was completely non-functional. So for whatever reason, it began to work again Sunday night, and I finally found some time to sit down with some coffee and English Toffee Temptation (made with real Heath® Bars) and blog. A new verb, perhaps?

ich bloge/ wir blogen
du blogst / ihr blogt
er blogt / sie blogen

It's no trabajábamos, but I like it.

An oversight concerning a previous blog has been brought to my attention, and I seek to remedy this problem immediately. In Non-pretentious-ish, that means I fucked up, here, let me fix it. It seems that the strange company logo references were all but lost on those of you who make your home east of the Rockies. To be freaked out in the same way that my California chums were, simply visit these websites:

http://www.best-foods.com

http://www.dreyers.com

http://www.carlsjr.com


A quick jaunt to ugly-land with my AI. I'm very much over our disagreement, but yeah today she was lookin good. An open V-neck t-shirt with a generous amount of chest-acne and hair like a Cuban.

Whole lotta nasty goin on.

But now for the real fun of the post. Lar came through for us during his presentation. While my friends and I agree that he was rather tame by Lar standards, he still was golden-tongued enough to fill up a full page on my legal pad. When you read his lines, think of a male Fran Drescher, from the midwest. Some fun samples fer ya:

[during another lecture on the same day] Professor: Ok, we're going to look at some rarely-seen chords. These are like theory porn.
Class: [lighthearted guffaws]

[beat]

Lar: [sexy whistles] Yeah baby!
Down low, too slow, Lar.


Professor: [good-naturedly] Now, everyone needs to heckle Larry during his presentation like he does to me.
Dan: I won't heckle ya, Lar.
Lar: Wow, thanks! I'd buy you a drink, but it'll have to be a smoothie 'cause I'm underage.
Make mine a Strawberries Wild, Lar!

Lar: [on Gesualdo, the composer who killed his wife] Yeah, so he killed her and the dude she was bangin'.
Eloquently done, Lar. A+.

His attire: One (1) Battle of the Bands Indiana State Fair T-shirt tucked into one (1) pair of dirty, belt-less jeans. Attached to jeans hung two (2) plumber-style key rings, neither of which had keys.

Professor: See how that note anticipates the finality of the piece?
Lar: Yeah, it's like getting to the finish line, then getting kicked in the butt.
Listener: [rubs ass] Ouch, don't you hate those cadences.

Professor: Well, you do have an assignment this evening.
Lar: [loud flatulence noise]
No need for catillion manners, Lar. It's just theory.

et le coup de grace:

Lar: Is it a six-four chord?
Prof: No.
Lar: Damnit! [sotto voce] Way to look stupid, Larry. Great job.
2nd Lar: It's ok, you'll get it on the homework.
Lar: I hate all the homework crap in this class. [mocking voice, still sotto voce] 5 days a week, homework every night, listen to this here, mark non-chord tones there.
2nd Lar: Whatever. Just finish it and you'll be fine.
Inner-voices coming out to play, Lar? Let's save the schizophrenia for after class, ok?

Ok, ok. I promise after this one there won't be any more scathing ad hominem blogs. I'm not vindictive, I just call 'em as I see 'em. I'm sure that if someone were to blog about me and use my direct quotations, I'd be beat up the next day. By the nerdy girls.

Music now: Mahler, Symphony 2 in c minor, "Resurrection." Um, I got nothin'. The guy's first name is Gustav, but other than that, not much room for comic analysis.