I give a cigarette to the baby

Listening to Beethoven's Missa Solemnis. Two reasons: 1) It's incredible. 2) For my Beet class, I'm writing a paper on his vocal music. And you don't get more vocal than a choir. ZING! oh, yeah, I am so back!

In regards to the huge pausa... I'm sorry to have kept my my legions of loyal fans waiting. Well, the one person. Kate has the temerity and spunk to be a legion. She expressed same in this way:

"Goddamnit Carl, update!"

There's trouble in paradise. Kate doesn't address my needs. I'm not content. I can only have me-time in the bathroom. She censors verbal expression, so I write this escapist plea. Remember that I write while pooing:

The leaves fall softly
From the tree, gay girlfriend. I
Wait for winter. Splash.

Should I hang on, as
The stubborn malcontent poo
Does so often? Plop.


No, Kate knows I love her... and you have to give me credit for being so understanding. I mean, she poos way more than me. And her emissions don't exactly tickle my olfactory receptors and cause them to do a merry dance.

It's difficult not to feel like a martyr, when you suffer those handicapped by chronic pooing.


SPEAKING of feces, we failed to clean the septic tank in Washington, guys. Not only did we not call the Kerry Honeywagon, but we let the shit leak all over the yard of Capitol Hill.

Not to go on for too long, because I'm sure you've seen it on blog after woebegone blog, but one point of utter confusion.

Overall, morality was the key to Americans' presidential decisions. A greater factor than the economy and terror. Maybe I'm missing the point--we should concentrate on our neighbors' business, I suppose. Why shouldn't practicality take a back seat to moral values? Besides, being a Mrs. Kravitz can be a lot of fun.

In response to our country's unashamed admission to the utmost importance of moral values, I propose this:

A complete de-pruding of the American public. We'll shock them all until we enjoy a European level of acceptance. It's fun and easy, here are just a few ideas!

• FUCK IN THE STREETS! At a certain time each day, we can all just go for it. Of course, we'll put those inclined to similar genitalia in the front of the orgy parade. Coast-to-coast nudity and copulation. From La Cienega to 5th Avenue, the streets'll be paved with, well, what the Sperm Banks consider liquid gold. Do it with a friend or use it as an opportunity to make new ones!
• GET DRUNK WITH YOUR PARENTS DAY! Bring Daddy's temper to show-and-tell! Impress your friends when you, as a 10 year old, win the local sake bomb contest. Let's show the Russians they can't do anything better than us, those commie fools!
• MULTICULTURAL HOMES (AND HOMOS) IN EVERY NEIGHBORHOOD! Two mommies, one black, one white, an asian girl, a latino boy. Scare the wits out of your conservative relatives as little José plays the violin and cute-as-a-bug's-ear Ling runs from the INS!
• ISLAM DAY! Self-explanatory!
• LEGALIZE MARIJUANA, GAMBLING, AND PROSTITUTION! Celebrate your newly legal friends, those clandestine individuals who until now had to hide in the shadows. Flaunt your love of this country by getting high and having anonymous sex in casinos all across the union! This amazing legislation would deal hypocrisy a deadly blow! Write your Congressperson today!
• EQUIP AND TRAIN WILD GAME TO FIGHT BACK! Doe, a deer, a female ass-kicker. Do you smell what the endangered species are cookin? The conservatives want availability of guns, there's no reason why ducks and geese can't have assault rifles! It's definitely hunting season, my friends... this Thanksgiving, help a game animal to serve his family some roast "athlete."

Other options included BEFRIEND A EUROPEAN! and PAY WOMEN THE SAME AMOUNT!, but then it stopped being crazy and just turned cynical, and that's just no fun.

If we work hard, I see no reason why we can't have everyone appreciate humanity just a little bit more. And I sure wouldn't mind a price-cap on whores!

Music: More Beethoven. Sonata 15 in D. I know, I know, I should broaden my musical horizons or I'll be no better than those I deride. There. I just switched to Edith Piaf. I'll be accepting my award for Pathetic Cultural Wannabe later.